The practice of choosing joy was not something often focused on in my home growing up, with the exception of my mom who gushes joy daily. I was raised in a wonderful, Christian home, and to my parents I am so grateful for that. But I think one thing the 5 of us (my parents and two sisters) would agree on is that we are a family of critics, thinkers, and over-analyzers. To this day, I battle between choosing joy and choosing cynicism, and if I am being honest, cynicism most often wins out. Last December, God put my husband and I through a circumstance that would challenge me at this in my weakest moment.
On December 21, 2021, on the two year wedding anniversary of my husband and I, we found out the life I was carrying in my womb was no longer viable, and my body began the natural process of miscarrying our first child. Never in my life had I felt such pain. The physical pain was immense, but the emotional pain was unbearable and suffocating. In the ensuing weeks and months following our miscarriage, I found myself coming to the conclusions of "of course this would happen to me" and "this is just my luck to be the 1 in 4 women who have to experience this in their lifetime" more often than not.
While I will never look back on the actual event with joy in my heart, I pause now to reflect on how the Lord has called me to respond in light of the miscarriage. A few passages come to mind:
"The joy of the Lord is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10 (ESV)
"In your presence there is fullness of joy." Psalm 16:11 (ESV)
This hardship is not an excuse to push God away and retreat into my shell of cynicism and self-pity, but rather an invitation from the High King to his precious, beloved daughter to draw near to him, weep at His feet, and dwell in His presence. There I can find fullness of joy, even in the hardest of sorrows. There my strength will be - in the joy and presence of the Lord.
So while I will always grieve the life that would have joined our family this month, I will rejoice in the God who has already defeated death and won the victory! I will rejoice in the God who delights in my unity with Him. I will rejoice in the God who will reunite me with my little one again some day. I will choose joy in the Lord for it is where my strength comes.
